Spirit Trap DVD Review:

Billie Piper, bless her, knows what she’s good at. She knows she can do the Cheeky and the Feisty. And she’s pretty sure she can do the Unlikely Tower of Strength, the Adorably Loyal and the Dignifiedly Defiant. Heckfire, she’s certain she can even do a bit of the Old Sultry on occasion. But what the wee poppet hasn’t realised she can’t do...is act. Yes, that’s a little harsh. But it does not detract from the fact that, really, she can’t.

In fact Billie Piper, the star of Spirit Trap, can’t act in the same way that David Smith, the Director of Spirit Trap, can’t direct and Phil O’Shea, the
writer of Spirit Trap, can’t write. They do those things...and yet one can't help feeling that they shouldn't. Like that, you see?

And you know this for sure because Spirit Trap, released on the 5th of December, is utter rubbish. Worse than that, it is mirthless, confused, pointless
rubbish.

And all of this goes double because this film should have been good. After all, it’s a British Haunted House film. How on earth do you fuck that up?

All the elements are there: five teens, off the leash for the first time, find themselves trapped in a house with a blood soaked past, a drug fuelled psychopath, a monstrous horror in the attic and a whole slew of guilty secrets. Only one of them can solve the riddle of the house, but will she (guess who) be able to accept her terrifying gifts and release the Spirit Trap in time?! Genius.

But what we actually get on the screen are five pathetic stereotypes, one painfully clichéd plot, zero chemistry between any of the actors and a smash in the face with the ending about five minutes into the first scene - Dear Mr. Smith and Mr. O’Shea, Here’s a clue: IT’S NOT A TWIST WHEN IT’S OBVIOUS FROM THE GET GO. The worst sin of all…there’s not even any real gore! Ok,
maybe just one of two bits, and there’s a bit of a lynching and a nailing of limbs to floors bit, but most everyone ends the film with all their innards
intact. What the hell kind of teen horror flick is that?

Even the House is a let down - all wide open spaces and brightly lit rooms. There’s not one single nook or cranny to be seen. Example: the sodding basement, the natural habitat of all horror, is little more than a vaulted roofed fixerupper with a pale green colour scheme and tonnes of potential for the enthusiastic DIY-er.

As for the special effects…at one point there’s some kind of electrical shortage/contact from the Spirit world which looks a bit, if not entirely, like
someone standing off camera flicking the light switch on and off. Shameful.

To be fair, there is a bit of rumpy. And in time honoured tradition, although we don’t get to see it, the sexed up minx buys the farm not long after. But
who wants to see a scabby drug mole riding a scabby drug buddy who has inexplicably popped up in the middle of the film as some kind of scabby drug hallucination? Maybe one or two people who frequent the less salubrious cinemas of London’s red light district…but not your average teen flick punter, that’s for sure.

It’s all just diabolical and not in a good way.

As anybody will tell you this kind of shoddy horror film making is unacceptable in the post Scream I, II and III world of cheap, spine tingling thrills. And it
is completely unacceptable from a national cinema that bought you Dog Soldiers and 28 Days, two shining examples of how you take a genre cliché and reinvent it in shocking and exciting ways.

We don’t want to go back to quagmire of sub teen schlock a la 1999’s Beyond Bedlam. (Have you even heard of this film? No? There’s a reason for that.) We want to see a new kind of teen flick, one that means something to us, in the UK, right now. One that seemlessly combines buckets viscera and a clever, witty script. One that takes our expectations and turns them on their head. One that does not star Billie Piper! C’mon people!

So on the 5th of December save your £13 and get yourself a copy of Dog Soldiers - because Spirit Trap should have been that good but let’s face it,
it’s just not.



Kylie Nixon