Batman & Robin Movie Review:


The first Batman (1989) was near perfect.

The only fault was Prince’s songs which, although delightfully funky, weren’t really appropriate. Like, ice-cream is nice, but do you have ice-cream during sex?

Batman Returns (1992) was basically Tim Burton’s Batman, as his freakish imagination was allowed to overwhelm the entire Bat-mythos, making kids scream and their parents sick. Nevertheless, cool stuff.

Batman Forever (1995) added color and silly villains to the mix. It was acceptable, nothing more.

Then we have Batman & Robin. There is one odd pleasure out of watching this awful camp-fest; seeing milions of dollars being flushed down the drain, right infront of your eyes. Not that you’ll be pleased.

The horrific experience makes you want to grab Joel Schumacher by the (proberbaly pink and green) collar and tell him, "You wasted so much money on this? Nobody likes it! NOBODY!" What on earth did he think he was doing? The entire planet deserves an answer.

Oh, the sheer, all-consuming anti-hilarity of such lines as, "You’re not sending me to the cooler!", and "Cool party!" and "Freeze well, bird boy!" and "My vines have a crush on you!" and, and.....oh, EVERY LINE. Every damn line.

Almost as much fun as listening to the screams of your girlfriend/wife being beaten savagely with a crowbar and then gang raped.

The only enjoyment to be had is arguing who gave the worst performance. Was it Uma Thurman, putting the 1960’s Batman to shame with her unbelievably over the top campness? Was it Arnold Schwarzenegger, bellowing crap puns for two (miserable) hours? Surely it was utterly, utterly lame Alicia Silverstone, turning Batgirl into the most cloying, embarassing and aggravating superhero the world has ever seen?

Whoever it is gets solid back-up from Elizabeth Sanders as Gossip Gerty, unbelievably embarassing and with no place in a Batman film. Even though she’s an elderly woman, you want to punch her for her sickeningly cringe-inducing delivery and her infuriatingly pompous laugh. Her line, "Let’s show some gusto! Har-har-har-HAR!" is simply the worst torture ever inflicted upon the human ear. The way it echoes around your head for days afterwards makes you want to throw yourself infront of a car.

George Clooney must be thankful he gave an almost non-existant performance here, sinking into the background while the others stumble into the garish spotlight. Only Michael Gough as Alfred and Chris O’Donnell give performances that are in anyway acceptable, as if they’ve appeared from a parallel universe Batman 4, one that isn’t complete shash.

Even Pat Hingle, as Commisioner Gordon, makes a bumbling fool of himself, erasing in one fowl swoop all the dignity and class he gave the three previous enstallments.

Joel Schumacher packs every Bat-frame with blinding neon decoration and statues of naked fellas, making you wonder why such a masculine, testosterone-ladden concept has been turned into one bordering on the nancy-boy.

Tim Burton must have thrown up after seeing Schumacher had scribbled in bright crayon over his dark acrylic masterpieces. But hey, MacDonald’s liked it, and Bat-burgers and fries (or should that be freeze?) are more important than Bat-dignity.

Warner Bros. must have had heart-attacks when they saw the finished result they spent so much on, like betting thousands on a horse only to find out just before the race it hasn’t got any legs. Luckily for them, the success of the other three Batflicks dragged Batman & Robin to the finishing line.

Luckily for the viewer, Schumacher has been kicked out of the batcave for good. Let’s hope Warners give him his comeuppance once and for-all and flush the git down the crapper.

KevRo

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